News Americas, NEW YORK, NY, Fri. Aug. 21, 2015: We found you because we are good Mr. President.
You are my entire assignment here in Obama’s America. My publisher has me on you 24/7. That is why she went out of her way to hire me.
She knows what she is doing. She wants NewsAmericasNow to cover Barack better than anyone else in the media I have not let her or you down.
It’s been 238 consecutive weeks now, an unequalled record. But I must admit the truth as I always do – Barack was so ‘stealth’ about this summer’s luxury vacation on Martha’s Vineyard I almost missed it, even though I know he and Michelle are there every August. But this year I just made it.
The Obama’s are leaving the Vineyard this Sunday. So I rushed out there this week; took the Vineyard ferry from Manhattan. The ride is longer than the plane but it’s a nice ride and without the airport hassle – which is now even more with Obama on the island.
This time my publisher even came along because she likes the hot weather, the sand and all the rich people enjoying themselves away from the 99% who annoy the hell out of them with all their mindless complaints about inequality!
Maybe she’ll also appreciate my expense account for a change.
Anyway enough preamble let’s get to the Vineyard!
With only one more vacation in the Vineyard with Barack Obama as President, I decided to set my goals high and impress all my readers and my publisher too. Her most of all!
I knew I would never get invited to play golf with Barack, his daily ritual on the Vineyard, the love of his life and his convenient excuse to get away from Michelle and enjoy himself. Since I don’t play golf sadly it puts me in the same category with 99% of African Americans….
So I had a brain storm – why don’t I and my publisher just walk up to the Obama’s very, very exclusive Oceanside rented mansion early one evening and knock on the front door.
The key was looking like we were a couple of other rich and sophisticated individuals also vacationing on the Island and not get stopped by the Secret Service. It’s so much the better that my publisher is a beautiful young Black woman why looks wealthy and like an FOB – a special friend of Barack and Michelle. It worked!!
Even Barack was fooled – OK that part wasn’t difficult! He answered the front door himself and when my publisher said: “Hi Barack we made it” and hugged him, he called Michelle and they invited us in for dinner!!
Yes, unbelievable, but all true!
And now it is my dear readers your chance to join us rhetorically. Don’t worry; I am going to grill Barack – (get it?) – but first enjoy dinner with us.
We joined them in lamenting they had only a few days left on the Island, implying we’d be there to Labor Day. I wish. Little did they know we’d be on the red eye ferry along with the butlers and maids back to NYC.
They were gracious hosts. Their daughters came and said hello before they headed to the very private beach with their rich young friends to party. I thought I caught the aroma of marijuana coming from the beach but Michelle assured me it was just cold medication and all the kids had a prescription.
The White House sent a large crew of servants they had brought in via a huge airplane loaded with staff, food, wine etc right behind Air Force One. They served us straight from Barack’s Presidential Wine Cellar – his favorite vintage – Hot Air – poured into Presidential champagne flutes.
The four of us retired to the outdoor backyard veranda for dinner under the stars. The Obamas’ personal chef – not the official White House chef who cooked for everyone else except Barack and Michelle – also had the Presidential grill hot and ready!
We were served the President’s favorite dish – very expensive “grass” fed grilled Baloney flavored with horse …. radish and served with, believe it or not, marinated $10 bills cut into bite size pieces President Obama said were a special gift from Treasury Secretary Jack Lew.
The White House waiters kept our champagne flutes filled with expensive Hot Air, and for dessert another surprise – a big serving of Empty Promises. I must admit we were all filled with …… after that. Thank God I did not have a gas attack right in front of the President.
Instead we settled into some after dinner conversation as that interesting aroma from the beach lingered in the evening ocean breeze and it was clear Barrack and Michelle were clueless – they had no idea who my publisher and I really were. I have to credit my publisher her performance was flawless.
So it worked. I would be able to interview the President which was my plan and with his guard down assisted by that funny aroma from the beach.
Me: “Mr. President if I may ask with your Presidency ending next year have you given any thought to what you will do afterwards?”
Barack: “Are you kidding? I’m sorry I your name … call me .. Andy .. as in Andrew Jackson. Andrew Jackson wow he is one of my favorite President. I won’t let anyone take him off the $20. Screw Hamilton that poor immigrant brat.
“Anyway Andy in answer to your question …
“ARE YOU KIDDING? I don’t think about anything else. It’s been that way since my re-election. Honey Michelle, tell Andy don’t I say to you, every day we are going to make this job pay big … I want to be the first Billionaire former President … and that is going to take some effort … it won’t be easy.”
Mr: “Mr. President are you modeling you effort on any other President?
Barack: “Of course I am Andy; there is the gold standard. You should know that Bill and Hillary is who we want to beat for the title of richest and greediest former First Couple and again it won’t be easy. They are pros. Nobody takes care of themselves better than Bill and Hillary.
“Andy can I tell you something in confidence?”
Me: “Anything Mr. President!”
Barack: “While I can’t say so publicly…..
“I admire Hillary for using a private server while she was Secretary of State. Brilliant! With a little trick, no one noticed not even me. She and Bill were able to turn her time as Secretary into a Gold Mine … I can only imagine the promises she made some of the worst dictators on Earth and got taken care of very well through their Foundation of course. Brilliant!
“Andy I have so much more to tell you, you will not believe it.”
To my great disappointment my publisher looked at her watch and whispered we are going to miss the last ferry back to NYC and I don’t intend to spend all night on the dark cold beach. I will fire you “Andy.”
Me: “Mr. President, a small emergency came up. We have to leave I’m so, so sorry.”
Barack: “I understand that Andy; being a President of the United States. I’ll just walk down to the beach and spend some time with my daughters and their friends.”
That is how our trip to Martha’s Vineyard ended. Hope you enjoyed it!
